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Hayleyanne's Top 10 Reflections on Turning 60 When You Remember the 60s.

4/28/2013

Miss Gulch and I at Mt. A, 3-2013

The name "Hayleyanne" was invented by my friends, Darlene and Cindy, when they realized that they always seemed to be calling, "Hey, Leanne!" to get my attention. Darlene has generously opened her house to me twice in the past few years. The first time was my wedding in June of 2009, and then yesterday, another milestone, my 60th birthday party. Cindy made a killer coconut cake, plus there was a small gathering of some very wonderful people who make my life as happy and interesting as it is.

I've been facing this date much like a sledder attempting to break a downward slide with her heels dug firmly and helplessly into the snow. I've always been kind of a late bloomer as regards most popular milestones, but with that also comes the inexhaustible belief that I am still 27.

Anyway, without further blabber, here are my Top 10 Reflections:

10. I now refer to my hair color as “Arctic Blonde.”

9. A number of my men friends have begun referring to themselves as “Pop-Pop.”

8. Don’t trust anyone over 80.

7. My favorite expression when I see a 20-something newscaster: “Does your Mom know you’re on TV?”

6. I’m glad I played in rock n’ roll bands when I had the chance.

5. The dashboard of my car seems to have crept up by several inches.

4. I’m humming along to some “elevator” music when I realize it’s a Led Zeppelin song.

3. I get the senior discount without having to ask.

2. An “all-nighter” means I didn’t have to get up and go to the bathroom.

1. I don’t have to worry about turning 60 anymore.

Look Before You Leap - Yikes!

4/20/2013

Dzhokar Tsarnaev was holed up inside a winterized boat in someone’s backyard.

I can’t help but think if I were the person who owned that boat, I would have checked a lot sooner. I mean, if there were a lockdown in my neighborhood and we were warned to stay inside due to an armed fugitive in the vicinity, I would have wondered, “Could he be hiding in my covered boat?”

I would have looked from a safe location first, like out a window, and noticed that the tarp looked slightly different than I remembered when I first covered it. Then I would have called the police. I can’t believe that guy went and actually looked under the cover. He’s lucky he didn’t get his head blown off.

This is been a PSA from your well-meaning retired martial arts instructor. We now return you to your regular programming.

The "Last" Dummy Downhill

4/7/2013

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Scroll down to see the amazing video!

After our crushing defeat in the 2011 Dummy Downhill at Mt. Ashland, which took place in a blizzard, I began to plot our next possible entry, “Miss Gulch On Her Bicycle.” I told a couple of friends about my idea, which pretty much cements things in my world, intentionally speaking. The image of Miss Gulch from The Wizard of Oz speeding down a slope on her bicycle just stayed with me for months. But in 2012 Wayne was not available, as SXSW (South By Southwest) took place in Austin on the very same weekend. So I dropped the whole idea. Don’t get me wrong, our Scarecrow from 2011 was much beloved, and continues to reside on our front porch, along with most of the Tin Man from 2010, but I figured Wayne would always be busy stage-managing in Austin during the weekend of future Dummy Downhills.

This year the Mt. Ashland Mountain Bash was scheduled for the week after Wayne’s trip to Austin. I brought Miss Gulch forward in my mind once again, wondering where I might possibly find such a uniquely austere dress. I mean, asking someone to contribute a period dress that we would most likely be sending to its death was too much. And there were so many parts to collect and assemble. Then, during the week Wayne was at SXSW, the idea began to stir once again, to the dismay of my work schedule and sense of time management. Add to that, Mt. Ashland announced that it would be “The Last” Dummy Downhill. If I didn’t build Miss Gulch On Her Bicycle this time, I never would.

I went to sleep Friday night thinking, “Tomorrow I’ll give myself two hours to locate a junker bicycle. If I can’t find one in two hours, then I give myself permission to let go of this idea. That way I won’t berate myself for not having tried.”

So Saturday morning I got up and visited two Goodwill places and a landfill, coming up with nothing. With just a half hour left of those two hours, I posted messages on Freecycle and then Facebook. My good friend and fellow writer, Cindy, responded within minutes, telling me that she indeed had an old girl’s bicycle rusting in her backyard! It was perfect!

I collected the bicycle and after a quick trip to Home Depot, came home and stripped it of all modern brakes and gearshifts and spray-painted it black. Then, recalling that our last defeats were both due to a weak base structure, I set about making the strongest sled possible out of scrounged parts. I used the skis from our previous dummy and added another level of lift, using parts left over from the old closet Wayne had ripped out of our bedroom. Plus I streamlined the edges so there wouldn’t be any corners to catch in the snow. The bicycle would provide plenty of ballast.

On Sunday I created a skeleton out of pvc pipe, fitted to my proportions on the bicycle. By this time Wayne had seen my post on Facebook about the bicycle and began to suspect my plan. I knew that he would be key in providing the face, as his artwork in the two previous dummies has been superb. But I would have to convince him that the project was already on track, and all he would have to do is the face in Sculpey, which he truly enjoys, and that we wouldn’t be staying up until 3 a.m. the night before, frantically trying to finish it.

By the time Wayne returned from Austin the base was finished, the dress and hat were figured out (thanks to Goodwill and my own slim knowledge of sewing alterations), the skeleton was finished, and the turnbuckle attachment of the bicycle to the base had simply popped into my head. Maybe it was the way the funnels of the Titanic were attached that reminded me; I don’t know. Anyway, Wayne got right into it. He even remembered where he’d stashed the one Styrofoam wig form we had left. Miss Gulch was on!

There was one night where I stayed up late to attach her hair, but we pretty much glided toward Saturday on plenty of sleep, and a solid, unwavering dummy on a firm base. Early Friday evening we practiced taking Miss Gulch apart and putting her back together so there would be no surprises up on the mountain on Saturday.

I rode up to the mountain with Miss Gulch in my lap the next morning, in Wayne’s Subaru station wagon, with the base and the bicycle in the back.

It was a gorgeous day up on Mt. Ashland – sunny and warm. Upon our arrival, the parking lot guy decided to start a fresh row of cars in the front, which provided us with a dream parking space for a Saturday, right near the entrance. And get this: the people who pulled into the space next to us were from London, and had actually heard of Wayne’s favorite band: Jools Holland and His Rhythm and Blues Orchestra. As they don’t tour to America, no one around here knows about them, although they’re quite literally the house band of the UK.

We happily unloaded Miss Gulch and began the setup. One small mishap occurred when a turnbuckle bolt decided to fall off in the snow, but one of the other contestants quickly offered a replacement bolt and we improvised. I have to say, the camaraderie between the contestants was really great. We thought we might have a pretty good shot at winning, but then two more dummies arrived that left us shaking our heads in amazement: “Psy Rocks” and “Giovanni, the Dragon Tamer.” Giovanni’s creator has been doing the Dummy Downhill for six years, and each year he uses the same little doll reminiscent of Jerry Mahoney in different settings, such as a rocket ship, and a bed. He has become a beloved figure to many of us for several years, and yet had never taken first place. Psy Rocks stood upright on a platform, and not only played the actual big hip hop hit of Psy, "Gangnam Style," but also contained a mechanism which caused him to dance. Several of us thought it looked slightly like a guy having a wank, and that’s all I have to say about that. I just wanted Miss Gulch to make it over the jump this year.

Miss Gulch, Psy Rocks, Pink Puffer and Giovanni

We tweaked Miss Gulch to perfection and took pictures of each other with her as we cheerfully interacted with the other contestants. Then I put my skis on and took a few runs. The snow was sugar-soft. There was a beer garden set up at the bottom of the Windsor and Comer chairlifts, with a really good reggae band playing in the snow! When I returned, we were informed that we were in third place for the design portion of the contest. The final part – the actual downhill slide, would take place at 1:00.

Meanwhile, not wanting to be outdone, Mt. Shasta could be seen in the distance, spinning up one of the most spectacular lenticular cloud-bonnets I’ve seen in a long time. Wayne and I watched while we had a little tailgate lunch party at the car until it was time for the competition.

Mt. Shasta

A crowd gathered around the makeshift hill and jump which had been created just for this event. Fear gripped me just then, much like a mother getting ready to birth her first child and attempting to change her mind. I had a brief moment of wondering whether we should just forget it. Then I was swept away with the rest of them, helping Wayne steer Miss Gulch down toward the entry gate before heading further down on my own skis to film her.

We would be 9th – third from last. I politely squeezed my small-sized self between two larger men and got ready to film as the race began.

Some of the dummies made it down the hill and flew over the jump – several notable, such as “The Greatest American Hero” and “Upside Down Sally.” In fact, The Greatest American Hero flew so far he crashed into the back fence. But they all landed in a heap at the bottom. Several ski-lift operations guys quickly removed the wreckage before the next entry. Then there were the dummies who didn’t make it, crashing or stopping before the jump, much like our previous entries. “The Hot Pink Puffer” unfortunately swerved and hit the side wall, flipping over before she even made it to the ramp.

Then it was time for Miss Gulch!

I zoomed in on Wayne getting her into position as a local radio DJ announced her, coaxing the crowd into a countdown. He gave her a push and she was off, picking up speed quickly. Just then I couldn't get my camera to zoom out, and although I knew Miss Gulch was heading straight for the jump, I couldn’t find her in the lens – it just happened too fast! I looked aside just in time to see her sail over the jump in perfect form! Unfortunately, most of my footage after the starting gate features wildly spinning trees and me yelling, "Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!!!!" Wayne was so excited he scrambled down the hill to congratulate me before someone offered him her ski poles to keep him from sliding down the rest of the way on his butt. Poor old Miss Gulch just went to pieces over the whole thing.

Psy Rocks and Giovanni also sailed over the jump in fine form, to the cheering crowd.

Afterwards, we hurried down the slope to retrieve Miss Gulch’s remains. Some of her larger parts were hauled up by snowmobile.

Then there was about an hour before winners were announced, which provided me with more time for skiing! As I rode the chairlift up, with my iPod blaring, the entire Siskiyou mountains before me and Mt. Shasta in the distance, still spinning her Saturday snow-bonnet, I felt so blessed. It had been a wonderful day with good weather, excellent skiing conditions, great company, and Miss Gulch made it over the jump, looking spectacularly weird. I already had everything I wanted.

I came back to the lodge at around 3:00 to find Wayne and await the final results. Miss Gulch scored a $50 Gift Card to Mt. Ashland – a bronze medal, had she been in an actual freestyle skiing competition. I think it worked out great. Giovanni the Dragon Tamer’s creator finally won a much-deserved competition, Psy Rocks was way too cool not to score, and we placed third!

I had another microbrew and spent the last hour skiing in the Miss Gulch hat.

And now, without further ado, we present to you: the Flight of Miss Gulch!

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